Happiness is a Sad Little Thing
by SSAEmilyHotchner
Summary: Oneshot. Set in my Fade To Black universe. It's been more than a year, but Hotch is still plagued with dreams of Emily, dreams where she is taken away from him time after time. Will he ever be able to cope? May contain spoilers for the alternate epilogue.


**Author's Note: I honestly have no idea what spurred me to write this. I guess I'm still in the weird funk from the alternate epilogue of Fade To Black, and after watching "The Slave of Duty"...well, this came to mind and just took me away. I sincerely hope you enjoy. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.**

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><p><em><strong>February 14, 2020<strong>_

The bouquet of two dozen velvet red roses in his hands, Hotch stepped into the crisp February air, an stark heaviness in his strides that could only mean one thing.

Another week had passed.

It was time again.

Time to visit Emily.

He could walk the cemetery layout in his sleep, he was almost sure of it. Not because of the number of times he had visited, but because…he felt _drawn_ to her. He'd never be able to explain, and of course, he expected no one to understand. But just by opening his heart, he knew just where she'd be.

Which is how, on February fourteenth, Hotch found himself on his knees beside Emily's grave for the fifty-third time since she'd died.

Hotch ran a hand over the engraved marble of her headstone for a long minute, the grooves of the words he had long since memorized smooth beneath the roughened pads of his fingers.

_Emily Elizabeth Hotchner_, it read. _Exceptional agent, friend, daughter, mother, and wife. October 12, 1970 - December 22, 2018._

And then, at the bottom…

_Amor vincit omnia._

Hotch felt a chill run down his spine at the three simple words, the very same three words he and Emily had spoken to each other four years ago at their wedding vow renewal ceremony. He shut his eyes at the painfully beautiful memories. Sometimes it - _everything_ - just became too much to handle. He'd had enough experience with Haley to know that the pain of loss would never truly go away, either.

Letting a sigh slip past his chapped lips, Hotch laid the twenty-four beautiful flowers at the base of Emily's headstone. "Hi, sweetheart," he finally said, managing a soft smile. "It's me again. I'm sorry I couldn't visit last week. Baseball season's starting up again, and Jack wanted to toss some balls around. Like the good ol' days. He…had fun."

Hotch watched as the rose petals gently fluttered in the wind. "You know what today is?" he asked after a fair beat of silence. "It's Avery's birthday. She's _eleven_ today. That little girl we brought into the world…that seven pound, nine ounce bundle of joy. She's eleven years old. And…" He shook his head slowly. "She's beautiful. I swear, with every second that passes, she looks more and more like you."

A frown suddenly marred his handsome features at the thought. "I dreamt of you last night," he finally whispered, letting his voice drift away on a gentle breeze. "You looked more exquisite than I remember; with perfect, full lips stained the color of strawberries…and hair the color of ebony…with skin that smelled of vanilla. Your eyes held mine and you never looked away, and they shone like gems in the lighting of the room we were both in. Our bedroom," he realized now. "I dreamt that you were still here, with me and Jack and Avery. I dreamt that they were asleep, upstairs…and you crept into the room and laid beside me and you let me kiss you. I couldn't let go, not for the longest of times. And you tasted _so_ good. Your lips were so soft…" He didn't realize he was crying until a tear dropped to the ground. "I dreamt that you were _alive_. But the moment I tried to touch you…to hold you close, and never release you from my arms…you disappeared." He took in a heaving breath. "You were gone," he mumbled inaudibly.

Hotch raked his fingers through his salt-and-pepper hair. "I woke up screaming. Avery had come downstairs and turned the light on; she was standing beside the bed, trying to calm me down, and for a split second…for a split second, I thought she was you." He swiped away any remaining tears, before blinking away the early morning sunlight. "I'm going crazy, Emily," he said, his voice hoarse. "I know it's been a year, but _still_…I still miss you so much." His hand shaking, Hotch idly toyed with the wedding ring on his fourth finger.

He had never taken it off, and never planned to.

"It's not so much the pain anymore," he said, more to himself really. "It's more…the emptiness. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. Sometimes, in the morning, I wake up and reach for your side of the bed…then I remember everything. It all comes flooding back." Sighing, Hotch mustered yet another smile. "But…I'm slowly beginning to realize that that's the past. When I close my eyes, I see our happiest times; our first date, the day you moved in with me, our wedding, our honeymoon, Avery's birth. It will take a while for me to fully accept it," he said slowly, "and even then, 'acceptance' won't quite cover it. But the children make it better for me. They make it easier to cope, because it's for them that I'm keeping myself in one piece. Jack, Avery…they mean the world to me, just like how I know they mean the world to you. I would never do anything to hurt them, and I know that staying in the mindset I'm in now does nothing but hinder them from moving on as well. That's not to say that we are ready to move on…but we're trying. We're trying so hard, and we'll make it there one day. I just know it."

Hotch pressed a kiss to his palm, then touched his palm to Emily's headstone. "I'll never love anyone as much as I love you. Never forget that, Emily. As for the children…I'll bring them by next week. I know they want to visit." Rising to his feet somewhat unsteadily, Hotch gazed at his wife's final resting place with heavy-lidded, misted eyes. "Until then…rest in peace. And Happy Valentine's Day, my love."

And with that, he turned and walked away.

**THE END**

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><p><strong>Author's Note: Thoughts? Please leave me a review, if you have the time; they're the best possible Christmas gifts imaginable, and I sincerely appreciate them! Thanks in advance! And have a wonderful Christmas.<strong>


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